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| xanga is pretty disappointing ... two whole months and not one comment or anything?
wow. it seems like no one cares what's going on in my life. mostly that no one reads my posts or says/thinks anything about them. but that makes me feel like no one is following what's going through my head anymore. and it makes me feel like i'm mostly on my own to find insight about what i'm going through, which isn't really me going through anything anymore, just me trying to figure out what's next for me. and trying to be happy with what i have right now, with where i am, and what i'm doing. but it puts me in a very uncomfortable place, because i so badly want things to be different, and yet, here i am. feeling kind of alone, but kind of knowing better. wishing things were different but trying to be at least all right with them the way they are.
i'm stuck in neutral with the cruise control on.
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|  | Currently Listening
91025
By He Is Legend
Either They Decorated for Christmas Early ....
see related |
my deep thoughts seem to be a perpetual repeating of the phrase "it's what we go through that makes us who we are." i kind of feel stuck in a place that i've been before, and don't particularly enjoy. i'm trying hard to make the best of it, and take advantage of what's been given me. but after being in or at a place that is so different (and not just because i lived where it snows more) than where i am now for so long, being where i am now feels like it's a step backward. maybe because right now i work at a job that i worked at to help me finish my education. or maybe because there was a person in my life in a certain capacity that is no longer there. or maybe because i see people around me taking steps that i thought i was ready to take and i feel like i'm standing in the same place, trying to figure out if my feet can even take a step without breaking. i'm getting less advice from people around me, which i think right now is good. one thing i've heard more than once, though, is this ... basically: "just don't worry about trying to figure [this one thing] out, and it'll happen." there is not much that makes me doubt this, because i have seen it happen in my life. but because i have seen it happen in my life and also seen the way things have worked out, part of me doesn't want to give up trying. the thinking might go something like this: if i gave up trying before and things seemed to work out, but only for a while, then took a dramatic and painful turn, maybe you should try something different? but looking at things from a similar but different perspective, i see that if i don't give up that control that i think i have anyway, it just turns out that i'm forcing things, and that they would probably work out even less like i want them to. or maybe this forcing is just settling [and settling is definitely not something i want to do in this respect], and for one reason or another i feel like i am justified, like i have a right to have what i want when i want it, which obviously is right now.
but how important is it for me to have ... that right now anyway? apparently not very, or otherwise i would have it. true, i miss the warmth of that embrace and the feel of that touch. but how much of those things were true joys, and how much were merely satisfaction of my flesh? tragically, i do not know the answer as surely as i would like. one extreme says that i should never have partaken of those luxuries, as they were only fleshly desires ["needs? i think not" says this extreme]. but the other extreme says that those luxuries were necessary for that relationship to function as it did. even though i might think that the entire thing was a mistake or unhealthy, it really was only the ending that left things to be desired. and it did leave much to be desired.
i say the words again, but this time not as a cliche. it's what i go through that makes me who i am. as easy as it is sometimes to wish that i could simply become who i'm supposed to be and not have to go through all this painful growing crap, such a course would entirely defeat the purpose of this life, or at least one of the major purposes of life. having a life and living it day in and day out, making choices, mistakes, having victories, failures, feelings and obstacles shapes me into who i will be, whoever that man is. how i react today tells a tiny part of who i become as my days grow larger in number. all this growing crap really is necessary, even if it isn't always fun, comfortable or clear.
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| this spilling of thoughts resembles an essay, and for good reason. it is. apologies to dan and joe for wedging my way into their duel of wits.
The will gets overlooked, or
misunderstood, often. If someone says
they are going to will something to happen, they might be jesting, and usually
such a statement would mean that they are going to make something happen
without actively doing anything about it or for it. A more serious definition or description of
the will could be a person’s intention and purpose, and everything that lines
up behind said intention to make it come to fruition. This intention draws it influence from a
variety of sources, a prevalent source being the spirituality that attracts all
who live in one capacity or another.
Unfortunately, that spirituality has only limited depth if pursued apart
from the author of life who instills in us all His image.
The consideration of greater depth
also adds greater confusion, or a least an increased degree of complexity. The ‘God’ aspect of man’s life and will
brings with it an instant satisfaction, a deeper need to discover, and an equal
level of mystery or wonder because of how this entity, this being that drives
us to a greater depth is one that does not readily present answers to His
curiosities. Many of the aspects of God
that are so fascinating and so intriguing are the ones that so readily defy
explanation. Words could be spilled for
years on end and only a fraction of who God is would be unveiled. How He interacts with us, and how He
intimately knows us manifest themselves in our lives in numerous ways, on a
daily basis.
His will for our lives will be
discussed, debated and argued about until the end of time. There is nowhere that says “this is the will
for your life,” a fact that disappoints some people and presents a stumbling
block for them in their walk of faith.
These people, of which there are many, believe that God should write a
letter specifically for them, or build them a neon sign that tells them what
their next or every step should be.
While it is easy to wish for such simplicity, it would defy His
nature. It is noble to want to
understand His plan for our lives, to want to do what He wants for us, but
often we get trapped in thinking it’s easy to know what that is, or get
frustrated when He doesn’t express Himself like we think He should. Understanding God is something that will
never be accomplished fully in this lifetime.
It is His nature to be mysterious, or unfathomable … this is what makes
Him God. Conversely, it is our
responsibility to not understand Him while we are on this earth, but all the
while pursue such understanding and cling to whatever pieces of comprehension
we discover.
This is not to say that we can
never have any understanding of God’s will.
Knowing that your plans, aspirations, goals and dreams line up with
those of the creator is a wonderful thing, much more than simply being smiled
upon by a superior entity. Because it
comes from Him, however, we will never fully understand it (and the part of it
we will often not understand, at least probably not when we want to, is why),
but part of our joy as Christians should come from knowing that we will not
understand it but still pursuing it anyway.
It is important that we do know some of God’s will for our lives,
individually, so that we can follow through with His holy and perfect plan for
us. It is also important to understand
that we will not know His entire will for our lives at any one time, such as we
will never know the impact our lives have until we enter the Kingdom and all
that have been added.
The will of God is not a
destination or a single objective. You
cannot arrive at a point and say, “I know the will of God. I am here, I have arrived.” It is not something that you can obtain in
entirety. Rather, it is a process, a
lifetime of obedience and seeking. It is
a daily decision to follow Him and live by His example rather than indulging in
our own sinful ways. It is asking Him to
guide our decisions, our steps and influence our thoughts. Actively seeking His will says to Him, I am
committed to this relationship and being subject to your Word. It is entirely possible to know God’s will
for a single situation or regarding a certain matter, but knowing it in its
entirety is like holding the sun in your hands … impossible. Comprehending it is not something that
happens all at once, and you do not know His will for your entire life in any
instant on this earth. In a way, it is
flexible. He knows how every second of
our lives will happen, how they will resolve, and the end result, but also
knows what we need for every situation, and all those situations that we will
inhabit.
Despite this knowledge, He gives us
the freedom of choice. In every instance
where we stand at a crossroads, it is our choice to be made, and our choice is
influenced by all the outside factors in our life, the most powerful one in
many situations being God through His word to us. By giving us this choice He gives us the
opportunity to exercise not only our free will, but also our obedience to Him,
His commands and to His love. Our exhibition
of obedience is not to give ourselves a pat on the back, but rather to give Him
the glory. And that obedience will build
in us an ability to more easily follow in obedience in later times.
God’s will for our lives is given
in His word, in a general sense. It is a
general sense only in that it does not spell out the right answer for every
decision to be made … it shares His heart for us and His ultimate purpose. His will is not for our fleshly happiness or
our earthly well-being. And again, it
cannot be known in its entirety and has many aspects. Each aspect has it root in His heart for His
children. His heart breaks for the
sinner, as these children will never enter His Kingdom. His will is that these lost sheep would find
their way home again and enter new life in His radiance. His heart for us is that we would mimic and
reflect the love He has for us, to all those around us and especially those who
do not know it. His will for us is to
endure hardships, to make decisions and receive blessings all to His glory
above all else. Not for us to be robots,
but to have and exercise the free will He gives us, and that we would make the
conscious decision to give Him the glory and honor of which He is so deserving. | | |
| i've become a seven year old again. the type of seven year old that knows he has a birthday coming up, and whose parents have promised him an awesome birthday present. so the seven year old sits in school all day long trying not to think about this awesome birthday present, but his attempts are in vain ... his thoughts are of that awesome present and what it could be, how he will react, and what if it's not what he really, really wanted. his thoughts are so consumed by this outside thing that his ability to function, think and reason is hindered. he is so excited about the impending great thing that it becomes his focus, and in a moment of vanity, his reason for living.
the difference between the seven year old and me is in our situations. the object of my focus (in my case a very undeliberate object) is something that is not exciting. i am not anxious for it to be upon me. if anything, i am anxious for its end. it is great in its burden. and its complexity and effect on me is expounded by something else. i am and have been for as long as i can remember someone who is driven by figuring things out. if something wasn't doing what i thought it should have been, i did whatever i had to, to figure out why it wasn't or how to make it do what i wanted. i thrive on learning new things. it's in my makeup to be able to figure things out and do everything to make them work right. and when something like that is upon me, i basically think it to death. i think about all the different possibilities of how it can be resolved until i find one that is the way. but in this pressing situation (or one that is more pressing than it should be), no amount of thought brings any resolution, only more confusion, pain, anger, loss. and those add to the already frustrating situation that i'm trying to figure out. the easiest solution i can come up with is to realize that i did everything i could, that it's someone else's fault, basically, and leave it at that. but that's not how i'm wired. i'm inclined to take some responsibility in every situation, even if i don't need to. and i really don't need to here. but it's the convincing myself that is part of the hardest part of this.
sometimes life just sucks. part of it anyway.
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| i know now more of why. i have a better understanding of what's happened. but those two facts in no way lessen the sting, or more pressing now, the confusion.
people give you all sorts of advice when you're hurting. "follow your heart." well, that's what got me in this whole mess to start with, so that will take a while. "it was for the better ... better now than years down the road." true, maybe, but none of us knows how this will turn out, so maybe it's not for the better. and yeah, this move has avoided potential heartbreak down the road if things play out as they appear they will, but sometimes, a lot of times, things don't play out like we think they will. "take care of yourself." also good advice, but so much of who i became was wrapped up in someone else. probably too much, but that doesn't lessen the fact that it's still difficult. "you're not a failure." this one is really hard. because the thing that i was certain would work out, the thing that brought me thousands of miles from home, the thing that i argued with others and said would end happily, didn't work out, and since i placed importance on it and it fell through, i feel like i've fallen through as well. "trust in God ... He knows what's best, and how this will all work out." i have no doubt in my mind that God knows what's best, how it will work out, that He has my best interest in mind, and that He is only good and nothing else. but trusting in Him, following His leading before, made strange things happen. i feel like He's led me into hurt in this situation, like i did what He told me to, and i got burned. and the other party is following God as well, adding to it, or replicating the hurt previously spoken of. and following Him is difficult, because of His reluctance to be audible. heartbreak is never comfortable, and unfortunately, learning how to live is not easily found outside of heartbreak, often. what perplexes me most at this time is how things can change so drastically, so quickly. or how i became so wrapped up in the notion that things would work out this way because i wanted them to, and because i thought (knew) that it was what God wanted too. did i really just project my desires onto God so that i could justify making a big move, taking that huge risk and get away with it? it's unfortunate but incredibly true that a situation or another person can so hugely impact how we view God. that i can come to a place where i question so readily the One who has saved me, blessed me, protected me, and provided for me, because of one event, one bump in the road.
i was mistaken to think that she didn't want me in her life. i was wrong about why things had changed, and some are still unknown (and certainly also unknown is how this situation will end or resolve itself), but i wasn't wrong to feel the way i did, the way i do. how you feel is beyond your control, and this feel is one that i've never had to cope with and figure out. it's a bizarre feeling ... one that all at once says i was right, i was wrong, she's right, she's wrong, what about this, what about that, i understand, i don't have a clue. i've never, ever thought so many things in a single second. it's so many things it feels like nothing. an awesomely poetic contradiction.
i know deep down that i will come through this relatively unscathed. that things will become better with time. me and time, though, often we don't get along very well. and right now, i feel like i'm covered in scabs and scrapes, searching for ointment and gauze. i know deep down that this is part of God's plan for my life, that there is probably another blessing just around the corner, and that the joy i felt from this place, this time, this person, will be replicated and multiplied at a later date. i know that God gave me the desire for what i thought was certain for a reason, and that He will fulfill that in me when the time is right.
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